This is about as honest I can be in all of these blogs...it is a brief look into the way I wear my heart on my sleeve...it's a short version of this journey I have been on. Now it is time for a new journey, a journey down a new path paved with sunshine and beautiful scenery.
Yesterday was somewhat of an epiphany for me. Having gone through a ginormous (yes, not a real word) weight loss last year, I found that I had curbed my emotional eating significantly, until the last two weeks, and I couldn't figure out why. As most of you know, last July, right after Comic Con, I started a weight loss program. It was a liquid based diet and I lost close to 45 pounds. I am still on that journey and doing quite well, but every so often, I seem to hit a snag, since I graduated from the program and am basically on my own, save for the love and support I get from family and friends.
As most of you know, I started the program during a very emotional time in my life...yes, my mama was dying from Pancreatic Cancer. Even now, I get a little misty eyed thinking about it, but she told me to do it, because she knew if I waited, it wouldn't happen and it was something that needed to be done. Since dropping that first round of weight, I have found that my confidence has picked up and I feel a little better about myself....that was a big step for me, because even when I was skinny, I had self-image issues, which was only exacerbated by former boyfriends that either cheated on me (mind you, I was still a lot thinner), or left me to be the only one who did any real work in our relationship. I ended that cycle some time ago and have been on the single woman's journey for some time now. Perhaps even too long.
So my epiphany...I realized I kept looking at my beautiful cousin's life and I was jealous. Twenty-seven, married to a good man, who listens, and raising two handsome boys. When I was that age, I was just ending a relationship with the man I thought was the one. Turns out, being alone, was better than being in a relationship where I felt like I was alone. I'll say it, I have never had a Valentine's date (They either had to work late, or were not in town...make your own judgments), and I have never had a New Year's kiss, but I know one day my Mr. Right will find me and those seemingly small things will happen. I am not a picky woman, I just know that I deserve to be treated the way I treat the person I am with.
It's been a long journey and I feel like I have learned the most in these last three months, as opposed to the time I thought I had found myself. Cliché? Yes, but truthful. Sometimes you have to dig deep into the parts of your soul, where you store your pain, your wishes, your love and your hopes and do some cleaning up and weeding out of the "old", so you can make way for the "new". I'm not expecting miracles, but I know when I look in the mirror now, I see someone with a smile that is genuine, and on some days, not forced.
I told my cousin that I had envy of her beautiful life, but funny enough the week before she told me at some point I was going to dig deep and when I did, I would find my true healing....and I did. She's a very insightful woman. I love her to bits, she's like my baby sister and I realized that I couldn't be the person she is now when I was that age, because I didn't even know myself. As I said earlier, I had self-image issues, but now, I am finally hitting my stride and as they say, better late than never. I see things differently now and funny enough, since I told her what I was thinking, I haven't felt like emotionally eating. Honesty really can heal wounds and open doors to things you never realized were hurting you. It wasn't her I was envious of. I always thought I would be married and a mom by now, but life sent me down a different path. There's no telling what's ahead, but at least now I can see it, because my head is held high.
This has been a rough nine months, with the death of my mom and people's lives changing around me for the better, leaving me to wonder 'what about me?' but I know now that I have to be my own change. I have to live my life the way I know how to, without excuses for who I am. Yes, I am a little weird, but who isn't? I love my doc martens, I love heels, I love dresses. I don't wake up in the morning and decide who I am going to be, I wake up and know I am me and whatever poofs onto my body for the day that I walk out the door with, I know it is who I am...fancy or comfy.
It took me years to listen to those around me who call me an amazing human being...that's not ego, it's just who they see me as, and perhaps it is time for me to start seeing that same person. They're not going to tell me anything they don't mean...they have never had a reason to. They're honest to the point of hurt sometimes, but it's constructive honesty, so I know they are being up front with me. They love me for who I am and they always have, because they know my soul and they know my spirit and they know who I am...These are the steps I had to take to be the Shellymarie my mama knew I could be. This is what she kept trying to tell me while she was dying. As I always say, I'm not weird, I'm fun, now it's time to show the world that. :D
Just so we're clear, I don't walk around in a state of forlorn 24/7...But there have been times where I have had to wear a mask that shows the world I look okay, even though I felt broken and damaged inside. Turns out, the mask I have been wearing, is actually the person I am. Happy, loving, caring, sometimes bitchy and cranky (and I won't blame pms, ha!)...but basically, a human being. When you are honest with yourself and others, you find that you can conquer anything. Feeling broken and damaged was my way of hiding myself from the world....but not anymore. It's time to emerge into the sunshine and bask in its warm glow.
Until tomorrow.....Smile at a stranger, love your peeps and love you, because you are worth it.
So my epiphany...I realized I kept looking at my beautiful cousin's life and I was jealous. Twenty-seven, married to a good man, who listens, and raising two handsome boys. When I was that age, I was just ending a relationship with the man I thought was the one. Turns out, being alone, was better than being in a relationship where I felt like I was alone. I'll say it, I have never had a Valentine's date (They either had to work late, or were not in town...make your own judgments), and I have never had a New Year's kiss, but I know one day my Mr. Right will find me and those seemingly small things will happen. I am not a picky woman, I just know that I deserve to be treated the way I treat the person I am with.
It's been a long journey and I feel like I have learned the most in these last three months, as opposed to the time I thought I had found myself. Cliché? Yes, but truthful. Sometimes you have to dig deep into the parts of your soul, where you store your pain, your wishes, your love and your hopes and do some cleaning up and weeding out of the "old", so you can make way for the "new". I'm not expecting miracles, but I know when I look in the mirror now, I see someone with a smile that is genuine, and on some days, not forced.
I told my cousin that I had envy of her beautiful life, but funny enough the week before she told me at some point I was going to dig deep and when I did, I would find my true healing....and I did. She's a very insightful woman. I love her to bits, she's like my baby sister and I realized that I couldn't be the person she is now when I was that age, because I didn't even know myself. As I said earlier, I had self-image issues, but now, I am finally hitting my stride and as they say, better late than never. I see things differently now and funny enough, since I told her what I was thinking, I haven't felt like emotionally eating. Honesty really can heal wounds and open doors to things you never realized were hurting you. It wasn't her I was envious of. I always thought I would be married and a mom by now, but life sent me down a different path. There's no telling what's ahead, but at least now I can see it, because my head is held high.
This has been a rough nine months, with the death of my mom and people's lives changing around me for the better, leaving me to wonder 'what about me?' but I know now that I have to be my own change. I have to live my life the way I know how to, without excuses for who I am. Yes, I am a little weird, but who isn't? I love my doc martens, I love heels, I love dresses. I don't wake up in the morning and decide who I am going to be, I wake up and know I am me and whatever poofs onto my body for the day that I walk out the door with, I know it is who I am...fancy or comfy.
It took me years to listen to those around me who call me an amazing human being...that's not ego, it's just who they see me as, and perhaps it is time for me to start seeing that same person. They're not going to tell me anything they don't mean...they have never had a reason to. They're honest to the point of hurt sometimes, but it's constructive honesty, so I know they are being up front with me. They love me for who I am and they always have, because they know my soul and they know my spirit and they know who I am...These are the steps I had to take to be the Shellymarie my mama knew I could be. This is what she kept trying to tell me while she was dying. As I always say, I'm not weird, I'm fun, now it's time to show the world that. :D
Just so we're clear, I don't walk around in a state of forlorn 24/7...But there have been times where I have had to wear a mask that shows the world I look okay, even though I felt broken and damaged inside. Turns out, the mask I have been wearing, is actually the person I am. Happy, loving, caring, sometimes bitchy and cranky (and I won't blame pms, ha!)...but basically, a human being. When you are honest with yourself and others, you find that you can conquer anything. Feeling broken and damaged was my way of hiding myself from the world....but not anymore. It's time to emerge into the sunshine and bask in its warm glow.
Until tomorrow.....Smile at a stranger, love your peeps and love you, because you are worth it.
Way to make me cry cuz. Love you so super much 💝
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