Capricorn Tales

         HOLY CRIPES OF ALL THAT MISERY.  I just re-read my last few posts and frankly I was beginning to depress myself.  Oddly enough, I am writing this on the eve of my mom's 6 month anniversary, yet, despite my tears, I have been adjusting quite well.  Yes, I miss her, every day. It's a pain that won't go away, but I know I will heal over time.  To quote the amazing Lord Byron, "What deep wounds ever closed without a scar?"  How true.  The old adage stands tall though, time does heal wounds and slowly mine are healing.  I won't lie, I know I can't call her, I know she isn't there to ask advice and I know I can't go to her for a hug.  What pains my heart is that I feel like I am on the edge of turning the corner in my life and she won't be there to experience every great moment that is about to happen and yet on the other hand, I feel like she is the one pushing me in those ...

People keep asking me, "how are you?", or they keep saying, "I can't believe how strong you are", or "how well you are holding up", but the truth is, I feel like a mess inside.  I'm no different than anyone else though. I hurt, I feel pain, I cry. I mourn, but I suffered through depression for twenty years, many of them without medication and I learned that by suppressing my feelings, they just fester and burst out like a bottle of Coke that's been shaken and the cap left on.  I'm not strong, I just have a good, tight fitting mask, that comes off every night when I crawl into bed and goes on every morning before I step out of my room. Actually I take that back. I do feel like I have gained a little bit of something I never had before, my Mama's strength and the I'm-not-going-to-take-your-sh*t-attitude.  Yeah, she wasn't big on swearing, hence the *.  I guess it is a little shout out to her, since I am sure that even though I ...