Capricorn Tales

People keep asking me, "how are you?", or they keep saying, "I can't believe how strong you are", or "how well you are holding up", but the truth is, I feel like a mess inside.  I'm no different than anyone else though. I hurt, I feel pain, I cry. I mourn, but I suffered through depression for twenty years, many of them without medication and I learned that by suppressing my feelings, they just fester and burst out like a bottle of Coke that's been shaken and the cap left on.  I'm not strong, I just have a good, tight fitting mask, that comes off every night when I crawl into bed and goes on every morning before I step out of my room. Actually I take that back. I do feel like I have gained a little bit of something I never had before, my Mama's strength and the I'm-not-going-to-take-your-sh*t-attitude.  Yeah, she wasn't big on swearing, hence the *.  I guess it is a little shout out to her, since I am sure that even though I ...

I think it is fair to say that my first journey was doomed before it even began.  I was fighting off old demons and trying to exorcise them on my own, not realizing that sometimes the simplest answer comes in the form of friends and family.  The people in my life today, are the same people trying to save myself from a heart attack or stroke and for that I am deeply and forever grateful.  The other answer also comes from within. (Could I be more cliche? lol). Five years ago my father had a heart attack...or two...which lead to a quintuple pass, or a quadruple and one for good luck. I swore then that I would get my butt in gear and get motivated, so I would not meet the same fate.  Being born with a heart impairment, especially mine, is bad enough, but to gain all of this weight and just let it happen, is just as bad.  I have always known the downside of my defect, but life and emotions got in the way. Now, I truly believe I am in a better place and I ask...