Day 16 of the 30 day meditation. First 1/2 recap. Sort of.

Today's meditation is about beating insomnia and is meant for bedtime, so I thought I might take the opportunity to recap the first fifteen days of this challenge. I'm not going to take us through day by day, instead let's focus on how we feel. Do you feel like you're making progress? Do you feel different? Has the way you approached each day changed?

I can honestly answer yes to all three of those questions. Though I had a happy childhood and can't complain, there are events during that time that took place that I can't change, but that had molded me into someone I did not want to be anymore, negative and self-loathing. There have been times that I felt like a feral animal, scared and feeling trapped and then verbally came out lashing. It has been quite some time since I have been this way, though "ugly" me slips out for an appearance from time to time, but it is fewer and far between.

I had been attempting meditation for some time before finding this challenge, but now I feel I am truly on the right path. I am taking my own journey and discovering my own truths, so that I can feel content in who I am, and be who I am without any excuses. Yes, I, Shellymarie, can be goofy and silly. I sometimes hide it behind a "#punchy" hashtag, but truth is, I like to laugh. It's freeing and if I can make someone else laugh in the meantime, well, even better. Without these meditations, being this open about who I am would have been harder.

I had often worried what other's might think of me, especially people that don't know me, but here it is, like me or don't, it doesn't matter. I am guessing that my review rating amongst The people who know me is pretty high, since they remain around me and myself around them. They make me smile and they keep life interesting and I can't wait to meet more people and create more experiences.

Can meditation change your life? I don't know, only you can answer that, but it has changed my life. I am balancing myself and opening up about my experiences, as well as healing parts of me that make me that much more confident and helps me feel like I belong in this world. It sounds dramatic, but I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I never fit in growing up, but now I feel if I just allow myself to be me, it will all work out.

We can't change past experiences, we can't change hurtful, spiteful or negative people, but we can change how we react to them. Someone once told me, "Go in love". This isn't the easiest thing to do, but I am trying. I am learning to live in the moment. I am learning to go with the flow. I am learning to heal my heart, not just to be ready for Mr. Right, but more so, because it helps me to respect myself, which helps me to respect those around me and that is a beautiful feeling and worth every meditation so far.

Until tomorrow...see yourself as the light at the end of the tunnel.

From a personal journey to...

I have blogged off and on about a personal journey I have been on for about a year or so. It's nothing earth shattering for anyone but me. I hate to say it, but I kind of became a cliché. Indeed, I had become that person who needed to find themselves. One of my favorite quotes along the way came from Tolkien, "Not all those who wander are lost". It kind of contradicts my previous statement, well not kind of, it does, because I talk about finding myself, but truly, I knew where I was all the time. Are you confused yet? Think of it as standing outside of your body inside a hall of mirrors. Like a carnival there are images of you everywhere, but only one of those images are you. So you go about seeking the solid figure and along the way you hit dead ends, walls, other mirrors with images of yourself and so on, until you finally stop, breathe and realize if you look at the mirror in front of you, there you are. You stop trying so hard...

Journey to 40 Day 1.

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People keep asking me, "how are you?", or they keep saying, "I can't believe how strong you are", or "how well you are holding up", but the truth is, I feel like a mess inside. I'm no different than anyone else though. I hurt, I feel pain, I cry. I mourn, but I suffered through depression for twenty years, many of them without medication and I learned that by suppressing my feelings, they just fester and burst out like a bottle of Coke that's been shaken and the cap left on. I'm not strong, I just have a good, tight fitting mask, that comes off every night when I crawl into bed and goes on every morning before I step out of my room. Actually I take that back. I do feel like I have gained a little bit of something I never had before, my Mama's strength and the I'm-not-going-to-take-your-sh*t-attitude. Yeah, she wasn't big on swearing, hence the *. I guess it is a little shout out to her, since I am sure that even though I ...

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