The last few days have been anything, but normal for me. I have been running in circles trying to make my life happen, without giving any thought to what I was doing to myself. How would I end up, would I truly be happy, would I even care? I was doing it, because I thought the end result was what I wanted, but truly, is it? Yes. In the long run, yes, but I had to overcome the first obstacle...me.
I know the quest seems vague and I am sorry, but it will have to remain that way. The journey however, not so much. Have you ever wanted something so much in your life that you could feel it? You could smell it? You could almost breathe it? That's how I have been. I have dreamt it. I have felt it and I have touched it.
At this point you probably think I am a whackadoodle and off my rocker, but if you know me, you realize that I am not (shoosh my fellow sassypants pals. lol). As of late, I have tried to live in the moment, a feat unto itself, since that means stepping out of my comfort zone, but in more recent days, when put on the spot, I not only lived in the moment, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons and not for me. I am not a narcissist, or self absorbed, in fact, I'm quite the opposite. I do too much for others and not enough for me. These were my tests, that up until yesterday, I had been failing left and right...I had to remind myself to live in the moment, for myself and not forget who I am. To remind myself that these moments count for me too.
In the past week I have taken myself out to dinner twice, had coffee and tea with myself several times and just plain enjoyed myself, but always while waiting for something to happen. It wasn't until last night, when I took myself out to a nice Italian dinner, near work, that I truly enjoyed my company. I sat down with my journal, had a nice chicken marsala (on the lighter side, thanks Maggiano's for helping me watch the waist line), with a tasty glass of chardonnay and just enjoyed the ambient surrounding. I took a moment and just breathed. I inhaled life and reminded myself that it's too short to just wait for the right moment, but instead, create it.
So you probably wonder what this blog has to do with the title...well the victory is that I rediscovered myself, my strength and my character, flaws and all and I re-embraced myself and found out that I am an okay peep, invisible bruises, knicks, scars and all the weird things about me. I am a late bloomer. I will succeed at my writing and one day I will look at my current job and thank it for giving me the opportunity to pay my bills while I created my path. The heartbreak (?? Yes and No) is that I am still waiting for Mr. Right to find me, but therein lies the lesson. In all of my previous relationships I lost myself in the person I was with. I think now I have a better grasp on who I am. I am older, and my dad thinks set in my ways, but my mama believed that even at my age, I could find the right one and that when I did, we will find a way to bend to each other and curve into a way where we fit each other perfectly. When that happens it will be a beautiful and unbreakable bond, that no one else will be able to take from us.
The little girl in me still believes in true love, and the woman in me is stronger and knows that this time I will be everything in that relationship that I am meant to be, because I will be able to love with all my heart and soul and not because I am expected to, but because I want to reciprocate all that is being given to me, because isn't that what love is, an equal walk between two people down a mutual path? Until then though, I will keep walking my own line and remembering that my life is also important and not just dictated by belonging to someone else. As a separate human being I am just as important...being loved just feels good, that's all and doesn't everyone want that?
Here's to never giving up.... Here's to finding that path... Here's to love and mended hearts.
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