Day 12 of the 30 days of gratitude. The long and winding road.

Day 12...it's hard to believe how fast this month and year are flying by and yet, January 2015 seems like a world away.  Funny how that works isn't it?  So what am I thankful for today?  Well, at the risk of beating a dead horse from other blogs, I am grateful for the journey I have been on for the last 8-10 months.

It started on my birthday in January when I decided that this year was going to be my break out year. The year I broke out of my chrysalis and began to soar.  I am a late bloomer, or perhaps I am blooming when I was meant to.  My mind has been my biggest obstacle and situations that presented themselves to me when I was young, left me with a dinged self-esteem, but eight months ago to this very day, on March 12, I vowed that I was going to start on the right path and stick to it and as challenging as it has been, I have.

I took my writing more seriously and I became much less afraid of living my life and learned to believe that I deserve to be happy.  We all want what is best for those around us, but sometimes we forget that our own lives need maintenance too.  This was the day I officially started on the journey I am on now.  A journey that has not only changed my life, but made it significantly better.  No I didn't win the lotto, I haven't achieved my dream career (but I will), I even lost one of my best friend's along the way, but I came to terms with me and how I choose to look at, and deal with, life.

I won't lie, this has been a rough journey and when I first started along this path, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, or bursting out into tears without notice.  For lack of a better phrase, the 'toxins' inside of me had begun seeping out and disappearing into the thin air.  I was freeing myself from the muck I had created.  Situations, bad relationships, mean spirited people aside, at some point in our lives we have to take responsibility for who we are and reach out and grab the brass ring.  Yes, it has been a hard journey, but it has been well worth the sometimes smooth and often bumpy road I have traversed.

When I started this journey, my patience level was low and my temper short.  Not all of the time, mind you, but more than I suspect is normal.  It was the toxins, or if you will, the emotions lashing out and begging someone to help me, because I didn't know how to just ask.  What I didn't realize was that I had to help myself first before I could accept the help from someone else.  I thank those who have been on this journey with me...my honorary cousin, Michelle, my bestie Troy, my pals Charlie and Matt, but most of all my cousin Marie and bestie Laura, both whom are like Sisters to me. Marie and Laura were the only two aware of this journey from day one and they vowed, without my asking, to not let me drive alone.  As with many journey's, when trying to rid yourself of emotional pain and struggles, you sometimes visit places so dark, you wouldn't wish them on your worst enemy.  During those struggles, these two helped pick me up and dust me off, and their faith in me never waned. Now, as I celebrate the eight month anniversary of the start of my trek, I do it with gratitude and love. 

As a small example of how far I have come, yesterday while hanging with Sis Laura, a gentleman, who had a clear allergy to blinkers/or turn indicators,  kept cutting me off on the surface streets.  For a moment I almost lost my cool, but I took a deep (meditation like) breath, exhaled slowly and cursed him, while chuckling, with manners.  No F-bombs, no middle fingers, just a nice little whammy with the hopes that he will be more courteous in the future.

Just so we're clear, I know we will all have our off days, and lose our cool or need to take a moment to find clarity in a situation, but the nice thing is that when I have these moments, they feel normal, and not like I am still fighting some internal battle with myself. 

I have had my heart broken twice in less than a year when I lost my mom and my soul sister, both to cancer and both abruptly.  I have traveled tunnels that made me feel claustrophobic, even in a wide open room, or open space, but I have listened to my inner wisdom and that voice in my heart that told me to not give up. The voice that told me my dreams can come true if I put the work into becoming the person that has been hiding within all this time.  People often tell me I am a good human being, but only recently have I been able to learn to say thank you without feeling like it's not true.  We all have the capacity to be a good human being, so when someone compliments you, just say thank you, because they're not stroking your ego, they're telling you they see who you are, inside and out.

Life is a journey, or a series of journey's.  Some people only have one, some, like me, have to travel a few roads, but as I enter the finale of this particular journey and adventure, I have chosen to relax, be patient, go with the flow, let life happen and let the inner voice inside of my heart guide this ship home towards the journey that will be the rest of my life.

Until tomorrow...celebrate your accomplishments. Don't be too hard on yourself. Look in the mirror and realize you are perfect, just the way you are.