WTF, 2014?

     Dear two thousand and fourteen,

     I had hoped that we would be friends, I had hopes that you would see me through to better times in my life, like, perhaps, my finally throwing caution to the wind and submitting one of many books I have written or started, but never finish, because now I realize I have a severe fear of failure.  Yes, yes, I know, I know, many people have that fear of failure.  These are the bits of wisdom I had hoped to gain from you when we met on January 1st.  It was supposed to be twelve months of fun, adventure and the success in knowing I had embarked on one of two life long dreams, instead, you tricked me.  I really just want to say screw you and the grim reaper you rode in on.  You wooed me and you made promises to me that you never intended to keep.  This is why we need to break up and why I will hopefully be seeking comfort in your friend two thousand and fifteen. 

     Yes, you might think me a floozy, or unable to make a commitment, but one's heart can only be broken so many times, before you realize it is time to move on.  First you brought pain to a friend of mine, whose mother, after several long months of battling, succumbed to cancer, not long before said friend's father's Heavenly Anniversary.  A good person and a hard worker, my friend balanced a family, an extra work load and being a faithful daughter, while her mother slowly slipped away.

      Next a close friend of mine lost her mother, who succumbed to Alzheimer's.  Having been diagnosed officially not long after a horrible seizure, my friend watched as her mother slowly disappeared from her life.  Her best friend, her confidant and the woman who got her through her life week after week by just being an ear...gone and the day before mother's day no less.  What a scar you leave with her for the rest of her life when that day rolls around each year.

        That same month you served up my family a whammy.  Yes, more cancer and one with very little hope.  My mom battled her Pancreatic Cancer, as it killed her body and more sadly her spirit and will to live.  She was dying and she could feel it each day as she prepared to slip quietly away from this earth and she did just that four months later, when she left us.  You took from my dad his cherished wife and from me, my mother who I had worked so hard to find a good solid relationship with.  Though we loved each other and were close, we butted heads a lot while I was a teenager, something that I suppose is typical in any family, but in my adult years we found a mature peace amongst each other. An understanding that I thought I only had with my dad...now mama is gone too, but that wasn't enough for you, was it?

         Two days before Thanksgiving, you took another mom. A beloved friend and Aunty to many of us.  A cherished sister and wife and protector of a family that she brought together, whether she gave birth to them, or "adopted" them.  She was the true leader of the golden girls, since she usually did the driving, she gets that title, and she had an adventure and spirit matched perfectly by my own mama.  You took her from her family who will never truly see Thanksgiving the same way again, then you struck again the following Monday.

           In the early hours of the morning, you took Grandma.  A grandma to all of us who met her.  You left her children, grandchildren, sister and in-laws heartbroken.  We are all heartbroken.  A death that did not need to occur, how could you let her get hit by a car?  A woman so vibrant and full of life, taken from this earth with one blow to her body.  I can only hope she didn't suffer, but how does that give comfort to a family that loved her so much?   Yet, you still weren't done....

            This morning I woke up to find out that a good friend of mine in Chicago, her father passed last evening, after so many complications that followed a fall that caused two broken ribs.  I had met him once, but he left a lasting and loving impression.  You left us with another heartbroken family and right before the holiday's no less.

             I keep trying to think if there is a lesson to all of this?  How to survive on good memories?  I am not sure.  I have anger over this year and mostly over my mother's death, because I am having trouble accepting her loss, yet I feel like I need to be strong for so many others that I love so dearly.  I would never wish this pain on anyone.  I know there is nothing I can do to bring any of them back, so why wallow, right?  I suppose many call it grief, but I am not sure what it is.  I am weepy weary, rage weary and just plain emotionally drained.  I can hear my mom in my head telling me that she is okay and that I need to move on, as my father is trying to do, but how?  That one foot in front of the other theory isn't always helpful. In fact, it can be very draining at times.  Every accomplishment will now be, "I wonder what mom would have thought?"

            Ironically as I am writing this, my dad comes out of his room (I'm in San Diego, visiting the homestead), the eclectic soundtrack playing, and I hear the theme from 'Gone with the Wind', one of my favorite movies.  Could it be my mom telling me that no matter how much one suffers, or mourns, the world still moves on and that the sun does rise, or maybe she is saying, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."  Okay, okay, she wouldn't say that, but it would have been her humor and the thought did make me giggle a bit.  Either way, is that the lesson?  Learning to lean on each other in times of need and support and just being there for each other, allowing the other to grieve in there own way?

           I wonder what my mama would have thought about this year, but I am lucky to still have my dad around to guide and push me in my endeavors.  A parents work, truly never being done.  Perhaps I need to build on this.  When mama first passed dad referred to us as "two peas in a pod now".  Two peas, indeed. Now you know why I always enjoy hanging out with my folks.  They are love and a big part of my spirit.  Perhaps that is also why it feels dinged up a bit, my spirit that is, because part of it has pulled away and I need to find a way to fill that void.

             I don't know the answers, 2014, but I am more than positive that by leaving you, I will find peace.  I am sure you have had much better relationships with others this year, but for me, I have to call it quits.  Thank you for trying, but it is time for us to part ways. Please forgive the "Dear John" letter.  Thank you and better luck elsewhere.

            Dear two thousand and fifteen, please see us all successfully through the next year. Thanks. ps.  The Theme from Rocky just came on. Another sign? "Getting strong now.  Won't be long now. Getting strong now."  Perhaps it is a sign of good things to come.

            Maybe soon I will be able to say "I got this" and mean it. Until then, build on your happiness.  Each day is a gift.