The end is near (of the year silly people)

This is the third blog post I have written, as I get back to doing what I seem to do best...rambling.  I have tried to be profound, I have tried to be witty, I have forced the sarcasm, but to no avail, then I thought, just write what you know.  Sometimes I am profound, sometimes I am witty and much of the time I am sarcastic, but when I write, if it doesn't flow naturally out of my brain, then I know it is forced and for me there is no worse feeling when writing, than something that feels forced, so I deleted those posts and started over with this one.

I tried to follow the format of last year's end of the year blog, when I broke up with 2014, after a pretty emotionally trying year.  I look back and realize, 2014 wasn't too blame.  It didn't cause loved ones to pass on, including my mom, it just happened to be the year that we could mark those passing's.  Despite what I know now, I did not, until this moment, look back on 2014 fondly.

This is what I have learned this year, about the previous year.  It taught me to not be afraid, though I had to work on some major insecurity issues this year, and successfully I might add. It taught me to appreciate each moment with loved ones, because you never know what is going to happen.  2014 afforded me the much needed time to spend with my mom.  To find closure while a disease slowly took her life.  We had one of our best heart to heart talks during this time and that is something I can hold as her last gift to me, including when she hoped I would gain her strength and become emotionally strong and "see my worth".

2014 taught me to not hold back.  If something needs to be said, say it, but do it nicely.  2015, just solidified that thought, as I have traveled through this year feeling like I have been shot out of one cannon to the next, but on this last cannon ride, my cousin said, "no, you're like a firework now, reach for the stars."  What brilliant advice and reach I shall.

2014 became a platform of sorts.  When we lost Sissy this year, I reflected back to 2014 when mama was dying and I was grateful for each moment spent with these two amazing women, good and bad.  Each a learning lesson and a stepping stone.  Both told me to not be afraid, both told me to write my heart out, and I know both of them loved me as a mom and older sister do. 

2014 gave me the courage to make it through the ups and downs, smiles and tears, that 2015 brought to the surface, as I healed my soul and blossomed into the person I was always meant to be.  Late bloomer? No, I used to think so, but I think I bloomed at just the right time for me.  Age is but a number that marks your time on earth, don't let anyone ever shame your age.  Older, younger or middle(r. LOL), you are who you are meant to be at that exact moment, each and every day.

All of that said, thank you 2014.  The animosity I carried towards you has now dissipated into a sheepish thank you for preparing me for whatever curiosities lie ahead. Whatever adventures have been set on my path and for whatever else the journey might throw my way and has thrown my way in 2015. 

Life begins when you let it, so love yourself, love those around you and leave yourself open to be loved.  I have learned that I can make my own heart sing and that I am also the light at the end of the tunnel, but I couldn't see that until I could appreciate who exactly I am and now I have found her.  Imperfections and all, I am the woman my parent's had always hoped I would be, the woman my mom asked me to be strong for, and the woman my sissy knew I had been hiding all those years behind insecurities and poor choices.

Today I emerge from the chrysalis and I enter a new phase in my life.  I no longer feel ashamed of being single.  I no longer feel ashamed of my age.  I no longer feel ashamed of who I used to be, because she is who I look to so that I can remain strong.  The struggles, the sleepless nights wondering when my life will start.  It will start when it is ready to start.  The man of my dreams will find me in the time he is meant to find me.  I am releasing my fear of never having a life, and I hope you will too, because if you truly look around, you ARE living and things can only get better, even if your life is already great.   Leave fear at the threshold, as you walk through a new door to a new beginning and I will do the same and walk with you.

"Do not let your fears choose your destiny."  - Unknown

Here is to an amazing 2016 for everyone. May your dreams, your wishes and fulfilled hopes be yours.