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Why is it so hard?

The simplest question often has the toughest answer.  Twenty years ago I was a size 5.  Twenty years later, I am lucky to even stand in the same room as a size five.  Thirteen sizes later, I am actually down twenty-five pounds from a size 20, to an 18, having ballooned to 250 pounds.  So what brings me to write this? A movie sissy put on about a writer who is overweight and trying to find her way out of her rut is really opening my eyes.  Of course an hour and a half, which translates into several months in the movie, is a lot different than facing this from the starting line. Fortunately I am already into this race.

What is hard is having people tell you constantly that you're worth it, but being so lost in yourself doubt that you have trouble believing it. How does one go through life with such a fabulous support system and still feel horrible?  Simple, I am standing in my own way.

I have many reasons to lose weight. Image. Self-esteem...all fair enough reasons, but none so important as the one I was born with, tetralogy of fallot.  http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/heartdefects/tetralogyoffallot.html .
The weight I have put on has made it a little bit harder for my valve to work as normally as possible.  My cardiologist, Dr. D and the most amazing cardiologist EVER, keeps a watchful eye on me and assures me that surgery is not a necessity right now, however, he also politely drills it into my head that weightloss is of the utmost importance if I want to keep it this way.

I think sometimes being born with a congenital birth defect is a minus, because I have lived this way all my life.  People telling me don't do this, don't do that, you need to be more healthy, be mindful of your heart....etc. etc. etc.  I have taken these simple words to live by and thrown them out the window in a fit of subconscious rebellion and in doing so, I have allowed food to be my comfort. My tempting friend when things go wrong in life and as I gained weight, I continued to turn to my good friend, food, and kept eating and eating until my self image became so skewed and worse than it was when I was a size five.

The movie sissy and I watched, based on the book 'The Cinderella Pact', explored the skewed vision we get when our self esteem and viewed self image is so low.  Maybe that person staring at me isn't staring at me because I am big girl, maybe it is because I have a contagious laugh and giggle, or a personable smile.  When you feel the self doubt creep in, or the paranoia of what you think someone might be thinking about you Don't give in to that power, take yours back and wield it like a sword and shield.  Feel good about yourself, hold your head high, feel the power of the person within. The more I embrace who I am, the faster I notice I lose the weight.

I'm not telling anyone what to do, I am simply saying that this is what I need to do and for me weightloss isn't an option, it is a must if I want to live a healthier and longer life.  Of course nothing is guaranteed in life, but I want to give myself that chance.  I was told that being fearless isn't taught, it's letting go of the things that hold you back and taking that step forward and just seeing what happens.  Life shouldn't be about sitting back and watching it just happen to you, it's about taking chances and seeing what happens to you.

I am cutting the chains that bind me. I am cutting the ropes that hold back the ship that my parents let sail when I was eighteen.  I always write my motivation and then fall back, but now I have had a mirror held to my face and I have had been handed the reins to the rest of my life...it's time I listen to my heart and go.  

Weightloss. Professional Writer. Photography. Love. All things I thought were out of my grasp...all things that are within my reach...

I ask again that you take this journey with me, because this time it is the support I am going to listen to and heed and use to help me on this journey. I have tried to do it alone, but now I realize that the greatest traveled roads are done with those who care about you the most.

Until the next time....Be happy with you. Love you.  Cherish you. because you ARE worth it.


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