Journey to 40 Day 1.

Well the title is misleading, because my Journey to 40 began on January 10th, but in an attempt to turn my blog into something more than just a random thought or picture, I decided that maybe if I document my day to day trials of weight loss and getting my heart into better shape, it might help me to stay motivated, because this isn't just about being healthy and fit, this is about saving my life.

I was born with Tetralogy of Fallot.  It's several things, but most importantly it entails a hole in my heart that in my case was coupled with a crushed valve.  I had a dacron patch placed on my heart's hole (insert pun or joke here) and according to recent tests, the pig valve I thought I had, turned out to be a reconstructed valve.  At least that is what we all have come to believe and I prefer to not be opened up to find out.  That said, my life has always been slightly different than other kids.

For what seemed like an eternity, but was only about 8-9 years, I walked around with a bone protruding from my chest. No, it wasn't exposed to the world, but it pushed my skin out and since I was a skinny kid with no signs of ever growing breasts, it made my shirt pop out in the center too.  It goes without saying that kids can be cruel (even in parochial schools!), but somehow I made it through, but not always easily. When I would visit my grandparents in Hawaii for the summer there were things I couldn't do, tug-o-war was one of them.  I guess everyone was worried it would put too much strain on me, or perhaps maybe my rib cage, held together by steel wires might break open. (does this make me 'Real Steel'?).  Whatever the case was, it is what it is and I am now beginning to understand just exactly what that means.

I was thin and relatively healthy up until I was about 25, but I had started gaining weight in high school from the typical nonsense we buy into and believe, instead of listening to those around us who love us and more importantly, ourselves.  No, no one called me fat, but my low self esteem and an innocent comment "oh Shelly, you put on weight, that's good, now you're not so skinny anymore" really kind of sent me over the top.  Next thing I know, I am trying not to eat too much and drinking more diet coke than any teenager should ever consume...this move, a bad one.  That's when I started packing it on and by 25 I had gone from a teenager weighing 120lbs at 5'5" to a 25 year old weighing close to 140 and it just kept going and going and going.  etc. etc. etc. This morning I weight in at 250.0 pounds...in 14 years I have gained 130lbs. I don't have children and I have never been married, but I have family and friends who love me, yet still I emotionally eat to fill the void of a future I had planned, but never came to fruition. The emotional eating and the what-if's need to stop now.

I will cover my battles, in time, I will cover my challenges, my failures, my successes and so on.  I will do whatever I can to make sure that I follow through this time, because it's not just about me, it's about this wonderful muscle that beats within me and struggles and battles everyday to keep me alive. It's time I start living for my heart and not my tastebuds, or what soothes my emotions at that moment.  I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but this is for me and anyone who might happen upon it that is going through the same thing, you're not alone.

Today is Day 1of hopefully many many many more days to come...ps. this Friday is National Wear Red day for Go Red for women. Heart Disease is the number one killer of women...just in case you didn't know.