Day 16 of the 30 day meditation. First 1/2 recap. Sort of.

Today's meditation is about beating insomnia and is meant for bedtime, so I thought I might take the opportunity to recap the first fifteen days of this challenge. I'm not going to take us through day by day, instead let's focus on how we feel. Do you feel like you're making progress? Do you feel different? Has the way you approached each day changed?

I can honestly answer yes to all three of those questions. Though I had a happy childhood and can't complain, there are events during that time that took place that I can't change, but that had molded me into someone I did not want to be anymore, negative and self-loathing. There have been times that I felt like a feral animal, scared and feeling trapped and then verbally came out lashing. It has been quite some time since I have been this way, though "ugly" me slips out for an appearance from time to time, but it is fewer and far between.

I had been attempting meditation for some time before finding this challenge, but now I feel I am truly on the right path. I am taking my own journey and discovering my own truths, so that I can feel content in who I am, and be who I am without any excuses. Yes, I, Shellymarie, can be goofy and silly. I sometimes hide it behind a "#punchy" hashtag, but truth is, I like to laugh. It's freeing and if I can make someone else laugh in the meantime, well, even better. Without these meditations, being this open about who I am would have been harder.

I had often worried what other's might think of me, especially people that don't know me, but here it is, like me or don't, it doesn't matter. I am guessing that my review rating amongst The people who know me is pretty high, since they remain around me and myself around them. They make me smile and they keep life interesting and I can't wait to meet more people and create more experiences.

Can meditation change your life? I don't know, only you can answer that, but it has changed my life. I am balancing myself and opening up about my experiences, as well as healing parts of me that make me that much more confident and helps me feel like I belong in this world. It sounds dramatic, but I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I never fit in growing up, but now I feel if I just allow myself to be me, it will all work out.

We can't change past experiences, we can't change hurtful, spiteful or negative people, but we can change how we react to them. Someone once told me, "Go in love". This isn't the easiest thing to do, but I am trying. I am learning to live in the moment. I am learning to go with the flow. I am learning to heal my heart, not just to be ready for Mr. Right, but more so, because it helps me to respect myself, which helps me to respect those around me and that is a beautiful feeling and worth every meditation so far.

Until tomorrow...see yourself as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sissy Jo....

Well, it goes without saying that the days leading up to Comic Con were anything but non-emotional. Is that even a word? Seriously, my mind lately. Sissy Jo, one of the three girls I call my soul sister, passed away on June 29th, her funeral was held two days before we left for Comic Con. Admittedly, this reminded me, as well, of mama being sick last year during Comic Con, so of course our 8th trip to the 'Con', was a little bluer than I think we had hoped, but we did manage to have a good time, because we know that is what Jo would have wanted. As we all know you can't make the pain just disappear, or the sadness that comes with losing someone so important and special to your life. As anyone could tell you, JoAnn was a force to be reckoned with, a little whirlwind of organization, love and smiles. She loved many who were in her path and she taught us lessons of survival, never giving up and fighting the good fight. I me...

From a personal journey to...

I have blogged off and on about a personal journey I have been on for about a year or so. It's nothing earth shattering for anyone but me. I hate to say it, but I kind of became a cliché. Indeed, I had become that person who needed to find themselves. One of my favorite quotes along the way came from Tolkien, "Not all those who wander are lost". It kind of contradicts my previous statement, well not kind of, it does, because I talk about finding myself, but truly, I knew where I was all the time. Are you confused yet? Think of it as standing outside of your body inside a hall of mirrors. Like a carnival there are images of you everywhere, but only one of those images are you. So you go about seeking the solid figure and along the way you hit dead ends, walls, other mirrors with images of yourself and so on, until you finally stop, breathe and realize if you look at the mirror in front of you, there you are. You stop trying so hard...

Day 8 of 30 days of gratitude.

Today I dedicate this blog to Sissy Jo. Today would have been JoJobean's 47th birthday and she lived every moment the best that she could. I am forever grateful that I spent her last night on earth with her. It was like old times when we had a lot of Sissy sleep-over's, watching "ghosty" shows, chatting, being sisters. That night she told me her dreams for me and what she was sure would be my reality for the future. What people didn't see was JoAnn's fight. When it was posted on Facebook that she had passed away, so many of my own family and friend's commented that they didn't even know she was still sick. In fact, she was on her way to do payroll when she collapsed, the afternoon she passed away. She had set-up a makeshift office at home, because her dedication to the work and people she cared about, never stopped. JoAnn was re-diagnosed in December 2008. She had been in remission for almost four years when breast cancer came ba...

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